Pissfists

 friend: i like my piss to be loud and forceful, it tells the woman i've got a urethra as wide as a 4 lane highway with enough pressure to pressure washer the sidewalk
 friend: like if i pissed on her face she would get a black eye because it's like getting constantly punched
 friend: i pee a constant stream of fists

For the WoW nerds...

Developer: and this is why I hate computers:

System.InvalidCastException: Unable to cast object of type 'AlternateID' to type 'LifeTimeMembership.AlternateID'.

 Me: Interrupt the cast?
Developer: you motherfucker

IT HAS BEGUN!

 * Nate Dawgg kicks your shin
 * Mister Monkey kicks your chair
 * Nate Dawgg kicks your beard
 * Mister Monkey summons chuck norris from his beard and has him roundhouse your coffee cup
 * Nate Dawgg summons bruce lee from his coffee cup and he judo chops the shit out of chuck norris AND THEN does a 3rd degree double flying dragon kick to your beard
 * Mister Monkey summons Lui Kang from chuck norris' remains and has him bicycle kick bruce lee in his tiny head
 * Nate Dawgg summons Shang Tsung to murder Liu Kang's little brother in an elaborate plot to get him to forfeit the rights to Earth to the Emperor Shao Khan BUT pre-warns Shang Tsung of Liu Kang's growing power and tutelage from Lord Raiden, allowing Shang Tsung to murder Raiden before he can complete his training, making Liu Kang a weak fighter who is easily defeated in the first tournament of Mortal Kombat.  After suffering this crushing defeat, Shao Khan invades Earth Realm with his armies from Outworld and claims the entire planet as a slave planet.
 * Mister Monkey pbbts on the whole lot of em

Sometimes It's So Hard

Nerdy AND weird.

xx38] Nate Dawgg: /\Oo_oO/\
xx38] Mister Monkey: spiders
xx38] Mister Monkey: kill it
xx38] Nate Dawgg: no u
xx38] Nate Dawgg: that is hernando
xx38] Nate Dawgg: and he is beneficial
xx38] Mister Monkey: hernando spiders
xx38] Mister Monkey: kill it
xx38] Nate Dawgg: NO
xx38] Nate Dawgg: he eats brain mites
xx39] Mister Monkey: O
xx39] Mister Monkey: M
xx39] Mister Monkey: G
xx39] Mister Monkey: brain eating spiders
xx39] Mister Monkey: kill it
xx39] Nate Dawgg: NO!
xx39] Nate Dawgg: Let him make a funnel web in your ear!
xx39] Nate Dawgg: *scritch scritch scritch*
xx39] * Mister Monkey runs away terrified
xx39] * Mister Monkey stomps on his ear
xx40] Nate Dawgg: *hernando chases after you squeaking quietly
xx40] * Mister Monkey hops in his space ship
xx40] * Mister Monkey nukes the site from orbit
xx41] Nate Dawgg: *Hernando was spliced with cockroach DNA and is able to withstand nuclear attack
xx41] Nate Dawgg: /\Oo_oO/\
xx41] * Mister Monkey does warp 6 in the opposite direction
xx41] Mister Monkey: MAKE IT SO
xx41] Nate Dawgg: *Hernando has a borg cube
xx42] Nate Dawgg: Just let him eat the brain mite.
xx42] Nate Dawgg: It's much easier.
xx42] * Mister Monkey has a Q
xx42] Nate Dawgg: *Hernando has a Guinan
xx42] * Mister Monkey has a ted danson
xx42] Nate Dawgg: /\OO_OO/\
xx43] Nate Dawgg: *Hernando runs
xx43] * Mister Monkey attacks Hernando with tom selek's mustache
xx43] Nate Dawgg: _________ *squish*
xx43] Nate Dawgg: YOU SONOFA
xx43] Mister Monkey: BWAHAHAHAHA
xx43] Mister Monkey: OW
xx44] Mister Monkey: stupid brain mite

Therapeutic Barrel Rolling

xx05] Friend: nathan, have you ever considered the benefits of doing a barrel roll?
xx07] Me: It has been something I thought about in the past, but how would I get started?  It seems too hard for me.
xx08] Friend: well you're in luck!
xx08] Me: :D
.
.
.
xx19] Me: you left me hanging
xx19] Me: I was all excited about hearing about the benefits of barrel rolling
xx19] Me: Now I'm going to commit suicide
xx20] Friend: what are you talking about
xx20] Friend: barrel rolling?
xx20] Me: oh god I'm losing my mind
xx20] Friend: i would never say that, don't you ever say that to me
xx20] Me: it's all coming apart
xx20] Me: WHYYYYYYYYYYYY
xx21] Me: MY WIFE IS SLEEPING WITH MY BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN WHO IS BLACK!
xx22] Me: MY DAUGHTER PUTS LO LLYPOPS INTO CAT'S VAGINAS!
xx22] Me: my whole life is a lie.
xx22] NMe: *sniffles* I wish I knew how to barrel roll T_T
xx26] Me: I can't even flush the commode without thinking of eunice now.
xx27] Friend: wtf daug
xx28] Me: I'm sorry man
xx28] Me: I didn't mean to unload all that on you
xx28] Me: I just got to thinking about barrel rolls and I kind of lost track of myself.

Africanized tumors.

xx55] Mister Monkey: It looks like bad photoshop
xx55] Nate Dawgg: It really does
xx55] Nate Dawgg: Look for pixels
xx56] Mister Monkey: Pixies?
xx56] Mister Monkey: like the stix?
xx56] Mister Monkey: or the fairies?
xx56] Nate Dawgg: pixels
xx56] Nate Dawgg: like the stadium
xx57] Mister Monkey: Stadium?
xx57] Nate Dawgg: Yeah
xx57] Nate Dawgg: Peas
xx58] Mister Monkey: Peas ant
xx58] Nate Dawgg: No, that's too juicy
xx58] Mister Monkey: Goblin queen
xx58] Nate Dawgg: That's more like it, like a banana
xx59] Mister Monkey: banana balancer
xx59] Nate Dawgg: Cooper aggravation
xx59] Mister Monkey: at the carwash
xx59] Mister Monkey: aggrigation of advance feifdom
xx00] Mister Monkey: *particlepants
xx00] Nate Dawgg: No, aftermarket flash lamps increase train track aptitude.
xx01] Mister Monkey: Genetic amserdamian mayor skill waxed brain sociopants
xx02] Nate Dawgg: Aww, torn underrudder pink radiatorah with cornival abscesses?
xx03] Mister Monkey: true, daydrip wuzzlepaint flambees up chimeny sweeps conditions.
xx03] Nate Dawgg: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Epic 'stache brah

xx53] Friend: just parading around here with your rich bitch moustache
xx53] Nate Dawgg: You're just jealous
xx54] Friend: what are you talking about, i have a regal 'lestor stache
xx54] Nate Dawgg: I know deep down you want your own rich bitch model.
xx54] Nate Dawgg: I've seen the look in other people's eyes before
xx55] Friend: hahahaha
xx55] Nate Dawgg: I know the signs
xx55] Nate Dawgg: A slight glassing over of the eyes during conversation
xx55] Nate Dawgg: Several quick and furtive downward glances toward my upper lip
xx56] Friend: no...i'm not staring at your stache...i'm uh..reading your lips
xx56] Nate Dawgg: Slight beads of sweat forming on the forehead and a hurried, almost frantic increase in speaking speed
xx56] Friend: hahahaha
xx56] Nate Dawgg: an occasional lick of the lips to re-moisten
xx57] Nate Dawgg: These are the flavors of moustache jealousy.
xx57] Friend: do you wax your stache
xx57] Nate Dawgg: No but I wax your mom's once a week
xx57] Friend: hahahaa

*sniff*

 Friend: my feet are hot
 Me: Take your shoes off
 Friend: no
 Friend: you don't want that level of trouble
 Me: My shoes are off
 Friend: so that's what smells like limburger and ballsack
 Me: No, that's my limburger sandwich, and I'm not wearing underwear today.
 Friend: GROSS

o.O

 Dave: what is your favorite kind of i dont know either
 Nate Dawgg: what
 Nate Dawgg: the fuck
Dave: i know
 Dave: I'm thinking of not wondering just curious
 Nate Dawgg: I don't even know what this conversation is about.
 Dave: I'm trying to tell if maybe you would think of a listener

:(

 Friend: I wanna fly over the poles
Me: I wanna visit your pole
 Friend: INAPPROPRIATE DIALOGUE
 Friend: YOUR MESSAGE HAS BEEN FLAGGED FOR FAG

Oh, so THAT'S what those are called.

xx26] Friend: you know
xx26] Friend: I hate bungie dumpers
xx26] Me: HHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!
xx26] Me: Explain this to me
xx27] Friend: it's the little turd that hangs on to the inside of your colon by a tiny thread and refuses to let go.  He's like, "I don't wanna go in the toilet" and you say, "but you can't go back now" and he says, "I'll just hang here and wait for the tp"
xx28] Me: OMG LMAO
xx28] Me: I know exactly what you are referring to then
xx28] Friend: little bastards
xx28] Friend: they are especially trecherous for us standers
xx29] Friend: b/c if they get brave at the last second, they can potentially end up on your trousers
xx29] Friend: and that is NOT good
xx29] Me: OMG
xx29] Me: ROFL

Lesbians, I swear.*

Teh Sleepiez Are Coming!

xx52] Nate Dawgg: omg
xx52] Nate Dawgg: sleepiez
xx52] Nate Dawgg: They haven't been around me in forever! wtf!
xx52] MrMonkey: kill them
xx52] MrMonkey: they are going to eat your eyelids
xx53] Nate Dawgg: they're already gnawing on my eyelashes
xx53] MrMonkey: might as well take a nap
xx53] Nate Dawgg: but I've got stuff to do!
xx54] MrMonkey: it can wait till after you nap
xx54] Nate Dawgg: Nein
xx54] MrMonkey: ja
xx00] Nate Dawgg: I told the sleepies that you had free candy
xx00] MrMonkey: I know they attacked
xx00] MrMonkey: I told them I gave all my candy to you and you keep it under your eyelids
xx01] MrMonkey: :>
xx02] Nate Dawgg: You SOB
xx03] MrMonkey: *snicker*
xx04] Nate Dawgg: My god
xx04] Nate Dawgg: they are attacking in full force
xx05] MrMonkey: I gave them a few drowzies from my pack of musenex.
xx05] Nate Dawgg: oh
xx05] Nate Dawgg: my
xx05] Nate Dawgg: god
xx05] Nate Dawgg: you traitor
xx05] MrMonkey: should not have told them I had candy
xx05] MrMonkey: :>
xx12] Nate Dawgg: I told them that you had steak dinner AND coated all of them and the drowsies with superglue ^_^
xx12] Nate Dawgg: You're effed
xx12] MrMonkey: LOL
xx12] MrMonkey: superglue dried before they got here
xx13] Nate Dawgg: Nuh unh it was slow drying superglue
xx13] MrMonkey: LOL
xx13] MrMonkey: that's ok
xx13] MrMonkey: I just releast an air raid of snoozies
xx13] MrMonkey: good luck, sir
xx13] MrMonkey: better take cover
xx14] Nate Dawgg: The 17th Batallion of the Nappies have launched surface-to-air dream missiles at your snoozies
xx14] MrMonkey: oh damn
xx14] MrMonkey: this is getting epic
xx15] Nate Dawgg: Haha it is
xx15] Nate Dawgg: It's WWIII
xx17] MrMonkey: Slumbers are inc from the sea
xx18] Nate Dawgg: lolCatnap snipers are waiting in the trenches
xx18] MrMonkey: oh snap
xx18] Nate Dawgg: With a regimine of powernap tanks behind them
xx18] MrMonkey: damn
xx18] MrMonkey: better break out the zzzzzzzzzz artillary
xx19] MrMonkey: damnit
xx19] MrMonkey: I can't think of any other sleep names
xx19] MrMonkey: I am defeated
xx19] MrMonkey: I-)
xx20] Nate Dawgg: I'm sending yawnie spies to infiltrate
xx20] Nate Dawgg: and stretchie double agents
xx20] Nate Dawgg: you were crushed.
xx20] Nate Dawgg: and now I want a nap.
xx21] Nate Dawgg: I-)
xx21] MrMonkey: LOL
xx21] MrMonkey: we both lose
xx22] Nate Dawgg: In war, everyone loses.
xx22] MrMonkey: ROFL

Barbarian Wars!

mike.0: my barbarian's name is Roy, Roy the Barbarian
xx02] Nate Dawgg: Can I have a barbarian too?
xx02] mike.0: sure, you just have to catch one in a barbar-ball
xx03] Nate Dawgg: Fantastic
xx03] mike.0: and then train him to fight against other barbarians
xx03] Nate Dawgg: Excellent
xx03] mike.0: my barabarian is of the Angry type
xx03] Nate Dawgg: Elmer, I choose you!
xx03] mike.0: it is strong against Reasoning types and weak against ANGRIER types
xx04] Nate Dawgg: Elmer is of the Poetic type
xx04] mike.0: hahaha
xx04] Nate Dawgg: He is weak against all types except other Poetic types
xx04] mike.0: lol
xx05] Nate Dawgg: But his Iambic Pentameter attack is very strong, he can only use it when he has a Manic Depressive card in play
xx05] mike.0: hahahaha
xx06] mike.0: my barbarian counters with 'Confused Grunt'!
xx07] Nate Dawgg: Your Confused Grunt sends my barbarian into Psycho Overdrive; he explodes in a AoE blast of tears and cuts his own ear off because he is misunderstood.